Love, loss and happiness

For the first time in a very long time, the idea of losing someone I care about is a very real possibility. To be honest, the idea is absolutely terrifying. How will I cope with the emptiness that's left behind? Will I let the sadness grow until it swallows me? Or will I fill up the space in my heart with happy memories?

Death has always felt very far away from me. Maybe it's because I always push thoughts of death and dying far to the back of my mind - locked away so I feel safe; so I don't have to deal with the unavoidable, unpredictable reality of loss.

It's hard for death to feel real when I've never lost anyone close to me. I attended a handful of funerals when I was little, but I always felt removed from the event - like I was there as an observer rather than a participant. Although I could feel the pain of everyone around me, it wasn't my own sadness or grief. My eyes were dry and my heart was still in one piece.

Maybe that's why death has been on my mind so much lately. It's almost like I'm trying to prepare myself for what's to come. If I can imagine it to the point where it almost feels real, maybe it will soften the blow. Maybe then I won't crumble under the weight of my sorrow.

For me, it's equally as difficult to see others going through the same experience. When you see panic and heartache behind eyes of your family's matriarch, you feel powerless. For the first time, this strong, gregarious woman looks tired and fragile - as if she might shatter in my arms.

But all this thinking about death also makes me reflect on life and all of the amazing, interesting and lovable people who fill it. I think, no matter how hard it is, we should try to focus on the laughs, hugs and funny stories people leave behind instead of letting sadness eat away at our hearts and souls.